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04:16:16 a.m.

“I don’t want to lose my pride.”

She’s upset that he came into her life and did everything different. He asked for permission from her sister to talk to her and really got to know her when he was given the chance. Why constantly text her sister while they did talk saying, “I really like your sister?” Why constantly tell her, “I feel like you’re too good for me?” She’s upset because she wants to say it was fake from the get go.. But she knows it was genuine at one point. Why did he do this to her heart? She wasn’t supposed to feel again. What kills her is that she knows she did everything right with him. In terms of getting to know each other and not rushing anything. Every time they got into a little something, she would tell her best friend, “we broke up,”  because that’s how it felt based on how close of a bond they had. Did she take things too slow, that it felt like they were cool friends? That’s why he took his interest somewhere else? Why did he have to lie about it? She liked that they had years between them, five years to be exact. She was expecting him to act more mature.

What does it say about him that when she would say to his friends that she’s interested in him, his friends were worried and advised her against it. If that’s what the people closest to him say about him, what does that really say about him? She fell for him before they got to that point. She hates that her best friend and sister are trying to control her decision on whether she should talk to him. They don’t understand what she feels for him. There’s a level of comfort, trust, and a certain bond between them. He said it himself, when they vibe, talk, and spend time with each other, it’s great. She misses falling asleep with him on FaceTime and in his arms. She misses watching Adventure Time with him. He changed her, in a good and bad way. There’s certain things he did like paid attention to detail, that she now needs others to do if she’s going to give them a chance. But the way he changed her, have her wanting to wait for him, is kind of, scary… not who she was. 

He was supposed to be different. She misses him so much. She was tempted to text him today and let him know how much she missed him, but she couldn’t seem weak. What kills her is that April 16th makes a year since they exchanged numbers. She hates that she fell for him. She hates that she broke her “I don’t talk to guys who smoke” rule for him. He changed her. She wants the best for him. She hates that even though they barely speak now, she sympathizes for him and doesn’t blame him completely. 

What was it about him? Why is apart of her hoping he’ll come back?  What was God trying to teach her by placing him in her life? She feels as if she’s one of the few people who genuinely wants the best for him. She misses him so much. It’s easier to write it here rather than send it as a text to him. She feels like towards the end, he made a fool out of her. She hates that every time she hears a Future song, she automatically thinks of him. “I don’t want to let you down,” the lyrics from Future say. Unfortunately, he did let her down. Why does he constantly mess with her heart? Is this fun for him? When did it become a game?

“Why do you deny yourself Heaven? Why are you so afraid of love? Why do you consider yourself undeserving? You think it’s not possible for someone like you…” — Beyoncé

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This entry was posted on March 14, 2017 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , .
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